The Hungry Samael
by May a Chance
Summary: Samael is hungry. He's a very hungry. Very very very hungry. Good thing there's always a Subway to go to. Crack.


**In my creative writing class last night we were writing stories about characters that everyone thought were evil but just wanted the perfect sandwich so I wrote this crack fic. It wasn't good.**

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In the early few million years of his life, Samael had never really had a problem with being hungry. The world consisted solely of molten rocks, shifting and swirling in intricate patterns. There was nothing to eat, and nothing to hunger for. In such early times, Samael was content to sit back and watch his siblings play in pools of the boiling substance, their hands not burned and faces filled with warm, gentle smiles.

In the early years, hunger had not been a problem. It was not such in the later years, when things like algae began to develop on the rocks deep beneath the ocean. The land, then, was barren and rocky, not a single blade of grass gracing the earth with it's presence. But under the ocean, there was life.

Soon the first immense exoskeleton bearing creatures emerged, and soon after even that as did fish that leapt high above the ocean to glimmer in the sunlight for a few short milliseconds before diving back down.

"Don't step on that fish. Big plans for that fish."

Then came life on land, forests growing until the land was ruled by insects and the ocean by fish.

Life continued, and then there were dinosaurs and the biggest fish of the sea. It was then, that Samael first felt a pang in his stomach for something, something perfect and amazing and wonderful. What, he didn't know.

That didn't matter. When he found this perfection, he would consume it.

Soon primates ghosted over the land, quickly learning to hunt with spears and developing into two different lines: the neanderthals and the homo sapiens.

"I always believed the neanderthals would make it."

The neanderthals died off, and eventually the modern human came into existence. They lived as grunting creatures for a little while, then began to create languages and develop huge glistening cities that basked under the glow of the evening sun.

Samael grew hungrier, still waiting for all that he wished for to appear. Nothing seemed right, not now.

In what was to be the year 0, religion began to spread like wildfire, and Samael and his siblings were told, that, no, they could not visit the earth again.

So Samael rebelled.

He really wanted that perfect something, and he was thrown down and locked away for it.

He screamed divine wrath at the walls of his cage, and the shouts bounced back with no one having heard him.

So close! He'd been so close to finding it and that was amazing but whERE WAS IT! Where was this precious thing.

Two thousand and ten years later, Samael returned to the earth, having finally burst out of the cage that held him back and discovering that, oh by goodness, the sandwiches! Sandwiches had everything! Love, conquest, tragedy! Meat, bread, vegetables!

They looked _so_ delicious and that was so very precious!

Eating one, Samael realized, would not be easy. The form he was possessing just then, Nick, would not last much longer. Already he'd begun to decay despite the gallons of precious vitamins he consumed each day.

He'd have to switch forms… But how to convince? How to cajole that one perfect form into allowing him in?

Samael couldn't enter a body without permission, of course. None of his siblings could, not like the demons could.

"I will never lie to you, never trick you. But you will join me," Samael told his to-be Vessel.

And eventually, Vessel agreed.

He said yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

It was finally time to eat that glorious sandwich, that sandwich filled that was an entire foot long and stuffed full to the brim.

Glowing with happiness, Samael sat down at an empty table in the nearest Subway he could have possibly found. Before him, in all it's foot long glory, sat the sandwich.

The bread was Italian, crisp and warm and glowing a golden brown before him. It was split wide open and Samael was very thankful that Vessel was a big guy. The first layer on the sandwich was a thin coat of mayonnaise, and that was quickly topped with warm, perfectly grilled chicken. It would normally have been dry, Samael knew, but the mayonnaise made it absolutely perfect. Atop the chicken there was lettuce, the crisp green leaves spilling out the sides of the sandwich, and topping that was a thick, warm layer of scrambled eggs.

It looked amazing and perfect and wonderful and like the best thing Samael had ever set eyes on.

A warm hand came to rest on Samael's shoulder, and the warrior glanced back with a cool smile. "Can I help you?" He asked.

The guy smiled. He was relatively small in comparison to Samael and his vessel. He had short ginger hair, and watery blue eyes along with a long dotting of freckles across his nose and cheeks.

"Looks like a pretty amazing sandwich you got there. Hey, young wouldn't mind if I…" His hand slipped over Samael's shoulder, and grasped the sandwich, hefting it up before Samael could even more.

He whirled around just in time to see the jerk take an immense bite out of it and chew, very very slowly. Torturously slow.

An eternity later, he spat out a hunk of the glorious sandwich. He wretched again.

Slowly, very slowly, Samael rose to his feet. "And who might you be."

The other man began to walk away, but called a final set of words over his shoulder. "You forgot the tomato."

Samael's hands trembled as he gazed at the man, but clench each into an icy fist. "I," he hissed, "don't like tomatoes."

Rage contained, but just barely, Samael made his way to the fight he was supposed to have been at three hours previously.

Still waiting, Michael had a relaxed smile on his face and Samael glared at the other immortal.

"Brother."

"Brother."

Pleasantries exchanged, Samael tilted his head back with an icy smile. "Are you prepared?"

"I was born for this, Lucifer."

Samael smiled, but it was cold as ice. "That's not my name, Michael."

Michael frowned at Samael, and suddenly he looked colder than the icy tundras of the coldest times of the human history. "And nor is that mine."

Abruptly, a line of fire ran across Samael's path of vision, and he whipped his head to the side. An instant later, a new fire spread from his feet. This was ebony black, dancing with a thousand different shades of purple and blue. It spread like wildfire, only worse and an instant later Samael was the only thing left there. Just him and the flames consuming the world.

With a sigh, Samael turned back towards the way he had come. "I'll go… Mope around in misery for an eternity…"


End file.
